All the brilliant script, yung Matt Damon and Elliott Smith singing in the background brings me to think about stuffs.
I recently read a self-help book that states that happiness is a choice. I think I finally get it, I could grasp the concept now. Yet I am still not ready to make that decision. I romanticize my own misery.
Secretly, deep inside I still think I deserve to be this unhappy person. That I am not worthy of joy. Even the word 'joy' irritates me.
But hey, at least I am aware of all this. I do want to get better, but this will take some time.
Looking back though, I think I've made some progress.
The thoughts of initiating conversation or even ordering food still scares me, but now I could introduce myself properly, talking, reciprocating. I did it so good some people would be so surprised when I mention that I am shy and/or having social anxiety issues.
I still don't feel 100% confident in my own skin, which is confusing coming from someone who takes selfies. Nobody would buy it because they think I am obsessed with myself. I mean, okay, sometimes I am. What is wrong with that?! But it normally lasts a good 5 seconds, while my self-hatred lingers all night.
This post is not a call for pity or for you to check on me. Honestly I am fine. I just watched a movie and I feel things and I want to write it down. Also I really enjoy reading others' personal thoughts because I could relate to them. So I thought I want to write mine and maybe someone would feel less alone. Surprisingly even though I only have 4 followers here, every once in a blue moon I would receive a text or meet someone who would utter the words "Hey, I've read your blog!" -which first of all is very terrifying for me to hear, but also very very exciting.
Anyway, I'm rambling. Good night.